A rather unfortunate incident... - A rebuttal

As the final note was played out, there was no rapturous applause. No standing ovation and cries of encore from the audience following this emotionally orchestrated performance. Instead the courtroom audience initially remained silent but the shift of mood in the air was palpable. The stenographer, an experienced impartial observer and recorder of thousands of soliloquies over the decades, broke with protocol and all that is expected of her and added, “Yeah, right…” at the end of the defendant’s emotionally charged (and litigious) statement.

It began with a low murmur from the stifled whispers between the audience members until reaching a deafening crescendo. Margaret Rutherford, a 95-year old retired Scots Law clerk would often spend a couple of afternoons a week in these courts to help pass the time and was a familiar friendly face and popular with all that that worked here. “She’s a lying cow!” she exclaimed.

“Ms Rutherford!” the Right Honourable Judge Winstanley admonished her outburst. “Please compose yourself, or I’ll have you removed!”

“But Henry, can’t you see through her obvious lies? The little cow!”

“Margaret, that will be enough! Bailiff, please escort her from the court before she is charged with contempt”, a flabbergasted Winstanley instructed.

Bailiff Petersen had never seen Margaret like this before. “Now, now, Margaret, what’s come over you? This isn’t like you at...” He never got to finish his sentence before he was doubled over by a swift kick in his Old Baileys by Margaret.

“This is a travesty, can’t you see! A travesty!” she shouted as she was dragged out by the other bailiffs.

“Silence! We will have silence in this court!” Winstanley commanded. “Mrs T, thank you for your, err, “testimony”. You may now return to your seat.”

Calling on all her training from her acting classes at primary school (where she won a Silver Star for her performance of “Elf No.3” in the school’s Christmas Panto production of “Frosty goes to Vegas”), Mrs T couldn’t resist layering on the emotions for effect. A pristine white lace embroidered handkerchief bought specifically for the occasion from Poundland was pulled from her sleeve with a flourish before daintily being dabbed at the corner of her eyes. Like many of the poor souls travelling or lost in the Atacama Desert, this hankie would find no moisture here but merely a mirage.

Winstanley stifled the urge to roll his eyes as Mrs T left her stage with a swagger that could trigger an earthquake.

“Dr T”, could you please take the stand?”

"We must not listen to those who speak only on their own behalf; we must also hear the other side."

— Cicero, On the Duties (De Officiis)

44 BCE

The cornerstone of any just society is the unwavering commitment to truth. Whether in the courtroom or a blog, this commitment is paramount. The law does not favour one side over another; it demands that both sides of an event be heard and examined. It is through this balanced process, where every fact is carefully scrutinised, that justice can be served. Truth, in its fullness, is not one-sided (Mrs T!!!); it is the reflection of all perspectives, and only by understanding both can we hope to find fairness.

The real story behind “The incident”.

The usual preparation took place amidst the organised chaos ahead of deplaning after a long flight. L was comfortable and pampered in her middle seat while instructing (nay, demanding!) R in the aisle seat to stand and reserve space in the aisle and unload her heavier main bag (a 40-litre backpack which she had turned into a portable Tardis but with the mass of a black hole). R, the ever faithful and compliant husband, did so and secured his own backpack. Time passed slowly for the peasants in the cattle class while those behind the curtain in First and Business classes ahead enjoyed the privileges of a leisurely and chauffeured disembarkation. By this time, most in the economy class were standing and queued tightly – tribal tattoos rubbing bare sweaty arm to sweaty arm. R was aware of a family with a young child that had behaved impeccably throughout the flight (unlike L…), standing behind him.

The curtain pulled back. Amazingly, despite her stature and age, L sprang to her feet as swiftly as a gazelle being spooked by a leopard and headed for the 30cm (12 inches for those old school) gap between R and the person queuing in front of him. Those of you who know L (and even without knowledge of the physical bulk of a full 40-litre Osprey Fairview rucksack across her manly shoulders), and are familiar with the old saying of “You can’t squeeze a quart into a pint pot”, will guess this wasn’t going to end well. While such manoeuvres might garner praise and admiration from the likes of Jonah Lomu/Jonny Wilkinson/Dan Marino, there have to be real-world consequences. The scientists and scholars out there will appreciate that this is where physics comes into play.

Newton’s First Law of Motion: An object ( R ) at rest remains at rest, unless acted on by an unbalanced force ( L ) - Newton’s phrasing, not mine.

Newton’s Second Law of Motion: The acceleration of an object ( L ) depends on the mass of the object ( L + rucksack ) and the amount of force applied (a lot).

Newton’s Third Law of Motion: Whenever one object ( L ) exerts a force on another object, the second object ( R ) exerts an equal and opposite force on the first. – Not true in this case!

R’s light, svelte frame combined with a heavy backpack, raising his centre of mass, resulted in rotational torque following the body slam by L, knocking him backwards off balance. A time dilation effect also took place – first the “WTF? “ from R’s brain, confused as having never seen L move that quickly when chocolate was not involved. Secondly, an image of the poor, innocent, tiny young child about to be crushed behind him appeared. Evolutionary pathways and processes kicked in. Synapses rapidly fired, and muscles tried to coordinate limb responses to keep R upright. In the absence of a prehensile tail, opposable thumbs came into play, enabling this primate to grab onto any branches or objects to avoid a fall. All failed.

Fortunately, no children were harmed. Rising upright again, R offered profuse apologies in multiple languages whilst left in the dust by an L speeding down the aisle. It was only later, queuing in the Immigration line and after the adrenaline spike had tailed off, that the full extent of R’s injuries was discovered by him. Without going into graphic details, as children might be reading this blog, R’s right thumbnail had been shredded in his attempt to prevent his failure. The damage extended deep into the highly vascularised nail bed, resulting in pulsating arterial spurts. Moments later, thousands of miles away in the waters of coastal waters off Australia, a BBC Natural History Unit filming Great White sharks for the latest David Attenborough documentary had to be pulled out of the water as their subjects became highly agitated and headed north-west towards Thailand. Whilst vaccinated for multiple tropical diseases ahead of the trip, and although not an immunologist by trade, R appreciated that this ad hoc distribution of his blood to the nearby masses would not confer herd immunity. Fashioning a makeshift Kleenex tourniquet, R was able to stem the blood flow temporarily. Little did he realise the challenges such an injury would pose and the long and arduous healing journey that lay ahead.

The sharp fragments of nail had to be covered up to prevent snagging and further injury. Bandaging and tape would prevent and frustrate the dextral (right-handed to the lay people) R from using the biometrics on his phone. Ever prepared for such emergencies, R had scanned his right big toe print to unlock his phone along with other digits (the right big toe unlock proved challenging to put into practice in busy 7-11’s at night).

Now at 8 days since that fateful day, the injury is slowly healing and the protective bandages should soon be off. As for L, she has failed to show any shred of remorse whatsoever in her active role in all of this. Shame on her. Shame.

I hope this truthful and objective telling of events helps correct the big fibs and erroneous embellishments by the original blog post by L. This plaintiff rests.