Thailand Top Tips: Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

When you ask the average person in the street what Thailand conjures up in their mind, they will say things like, “beautiful beaches”, “spicy food”, “The land of smiles” and many more positive things. However, as we know, not everything is sunshine and roses, so when asked for negative things, people might say, “mosquito bites”, “spicy food”, and “f###### coriander in everything!”

What no one ever tells you about (hence the point of this Top Tip!) is about a native bird called the Asian Koel. Now, this isn’t some bird like the fearsome Cassowary or some majestic bird of prey. No, the Koel is only about 40cm long, weighs about 250g and doesn't have a sharp beak or talons. It is a member of the cuckoo family, so that should give you an insight into its shi##y nature. What the Asian Koel does have is the title of Asia’s nosiest and most annoying bird. The bird call of the male consists of a koo-Ooo (sometimes deciphered as “uWu”) sound sung at what I reckon must be at least 120 decibels. It is not just sung once but repeated (18 times on one occasion when I started counting) with the pitch and speed getting annoyingly higher with each screech.

We discovered this delightful bird when we moved into a Bangkok apartment in the territory of a couple of Koels. Their sound outdoes the previously known most annoying sound in the world. From dawn to dusk, their calls cut through double-glazing as if it were tissue paper. Laughs at high-tech efforts like ANC earbuds. I am not a violent person, but after a couple of days, I was googling for nearby suppliers of Barrett M82 rifles.

In my delirium, my brain drew odd associations with the bird, and so I present to you (with the help of ChatGPT) my Lewis Carroll-esque ode to the Asian Koel, both for your entertainment and as a warning.

The Male Asian Koel

'Twas Bangkok eve, when all was still,

The humid air a drowsy thrill;

The trees swayed, the street lights gleamed,

And all the world in silence dreamed.

When through the dark, a haunting cry,

A rising wail, a plaintive sigh,

The Asian Koel, sharp and shrill,

Announced itself with vocal skill.

"Ko-EL! Ko-EL!" it pierced the night,

A sonic lance, a banshee’s might.

The tuk-tuk ceased its endless drone,

Outmatched by this avian tone.

Oh, Bangkok stirred in restless beds,

As Koel’s chorus split their heads.

Its melody, a jagged song,

Was neither brief, nor soft, nor wrong.

And yet, I thought, mid this despair,

Of someone else beyond compare—

A voice as loud, though less avian,

My darling Liz, my one companion.

For Liz, with passion sharp and bright,

Could argue through the dead of night.

Her wit, as cutting as a dull blade,

Could match the Koel in its tirade.

But still, her charm—unlike the bird—

Would soothe the sting of every word.

Though both could pierce the quiet air,

Only one, I’d choose to bear.

So here I sit, resigned to fate,

The Koel’s screech, my spouse’s state.

Bangkok’s chaos, love’s sweet sting,

A whingy wife, a bird in spring.