Titter ye not! - 2

Now, listen. Liss-ten... Calm yourselves. I’m not finished!

So here I am in Kuala Lumpur. Lovely place. Very humid. I was glistening—and not in a glamorous way, I looked like a glazed ham.

Anyway, I decided to be adventurous. I thought I’d try their monorail. It’s a train, you see, but it sits on a single rail high up in the air. Very high, very sleek. So, there I am, dangling over the city, trying to maintain my dignity while gripped with vertigo, when the voice comes over the loudspeaker.

"Next station," it says, clear as a bell... "Titiwangsa."

Nay! Nay and thrice nay! I nearly fell out of my sensible slacks! I thought, "I beg your pardon?" I looked at the lady sitting opposite me—very refined, she was, carrying a durian fruit that smelled like a locker room—and I said, "Madam, did that machine just say what I think it said?"

She didn't even blink! She just sat there. But I was having palpitations! I mean, Titiwangsa. I didn’t know whether to get off or cover myself up! Is it an invitation? Is it a medical condition? I thought, "I’ve only been in the country two days, I’m not ready for that kind of familiarity!"

It turns out it’s a perfectly respectable district. A lake, a park, very scenic. But for a man of my delicate sensibilities... Don’t you start! Hearing that shouted out every five minutes while you’re trying to keep your balance... well, it’s a test of character, isn’t it? I spent the whole journey staring at my shoes, blushing like a bridesmaid.

So, no, so I got to this mall at the next stop, and I thought, "Frankie, you need a new scent. Something to mask the smell of damp tweed and desperation." So, I wandered into this boutique. Very posh. I felt like I should be paying rent just to breathe the air. But I nearly dropped my bifocals when I noticed the name!

Don’t! Don’t titter! Oh no, missus. It’s a brand! A high-end, luxury brand! In my day, you went to the chemist for a bit of Old Spice, and you kept your hands where people could see them!

Now, stop it! Shut your face! I saw that smirk. You’ve got your minds in the gutter again, haven’t you? I can’t even mention a simple shopping trip without you lot turning it into a... a Roman orgy!

Oh, please yourselves!